【cracked网站20120301】史上五个最杯具的颠覆行动

yangfuguang

史上五个最杯具的颠覆行动

我们想要鼓舞我们社会的失败者。当我们听到埃及、利比亚或者其它地方的抗议行动时，我们本能的想要帮助那些生机勃勃的孩子们回击当局的攻击。但是问题是，不是所有颠覆企图都那么让人振奋。实际上，有些颠覆行动很像搞笑。

五、乌弗基尔企图击落国王座机

作为邪恶的独裁者，你需要爪牙来帮你。而有鹰犬时，比较重要的是，有一天他们说，慢着，为啥不是我主事？这种剧情发展的喜剧结尾是，好事发生了。

例如，本次故事的主人公默罕穆德·乌弗基尔，他在上世纪六十年代是摩洛哥哈桑二世的顾问和助手。他为国王干脏活，当然我们不是说园艺这些事，你懂得。他残酷地镇压抗议者，审查自己身边的人，让很多人神秘消失，最后法国人的法庭以谋杀罪判决他。乌弗基尔是反派中的反派。直到有一天，你能猜对的，他的野心膨胀到爆炸了 。

很多鹰犬级的人有着大金牙或剃刀头，而乌弗基尔呢，有着稍歪的眼镜

在70年代早期，乌弗基尔显然厌倦了做国王的小弟，决定以一种“旧时非民主的政权更迭”，当然，这需要摩洛哥军队的支持。

戴上眼镜，在搞套看不出军阶的制服，一起就有可能了。

1972年，哈桑国王去法国开会。嗅到政变机会的乌弗基尔把他精心构筑的机会付诸实施。当哈桑返航经过地中海时，乌弗基尔没有派出三架战斗机，对，你没有看错，不是一架，也不是两架，而是三架战斗机，去袭击国王的飞机。这该有多么困难啊，他们肯定惊讶，因为三架战机对一架国王的毫无还手之力的727飞机。乌弗基尔没有意识到的问题是，他的飞行员不像他那么文艺。

当战斗机开始攻击皇家飞机时，飞行员发现他们只需要把这个当做射击训练就可以了。甚至，有一个飞行员想到了一个很碉堡的想法，就是把国王的飞机撞下来。

他（飞行员）没有成功

很不幸，他没有成功。

所以，国王用电波喊话，亲自用自己的声音，告诉飞行员不要射击了，因为“暴君”已经被杀死了。听到这个家伙（他的声音和他们要杀死的人的声音惊人的相似）的话，飞行员们飘飘然了，他们回去了。任务完成！

当他们意识到发生什么事情时，国王已经在拉巴特降落了。哈桑二世立刻逮捕了上百不忠的人，而且就要抓住他曾经的好朋友乌弗基尔。但是基尔这个时候却自杀了。所以，哈桑国王继续无畏地统治这个国家直达他1999年死于心脏病。

要统治一个国家，你需要的不是皇冠，而是大脑袋。

四、九名白色控想要占领一个国家

乃有没有想过，要是学龄前儿童想，他们想要占领一个国家？我们也没想。幸运的是，红狗行动描述了一个形象的行动画——只要想想被葡萄汁弄脏的四岁孩子在海滩上坐在大轮马车上，一群白色控。给他们鲻鱼和截短的牛仔裤，这和我们有什么关系呢？

Ubermensch（德语，超人），重读Uber(意为乳房)

这个故事发生在1979年，当时，种族主义政客大卫·杜克很喜欢媒人这个行当，他介绍美国3K党人和加拿大新纳粹主义认识。显然，他们有共同的爱好，讨厌棕色人种的共性使得他们可以长久的厮守，并且想要发动种族大战。但结果怎么样了呢？经过我们查实，当时他们的理念似乎不被人们接受。

这个计划是那么的复杂，以至于你认为，这是不是007的剧本：入侵一个国家，建立有利他们的傀儡政权。因为上帝万能的，他要是在加拿大或者美国做，上帝就知道了。

裁成白色的礼服不是它们原来所用的地方了

他们选中的是多米尼加。多国的前首相支持他们。而且若是多米尼加人不够激进，种族隔离时期的南非议员们也愿意提供金源以便逃走。在1981年早期，打算入侵的激进分子的超级团队准备好了，但准备好了是个绝对中性的描述。成员们不知道他们将要干什么，这是他们犯的第一个错误。而他们只买了一条船，这是他们的另一个错误。而他们的第三个错误就是，在新奥尔良时，在他们的船上挂上纳粹的十字旗。

我们，呃，是印度教徒！

但，这仅仅是喜剧的开始。

起初雇用的S.S.白色力量的船员由于种种原因对此行极为担心，因此新的船长和船员被雇用进来。新船长花了大约五分钟就判断出了问题所在，因此他迅速向ATF报告了这些可疑的人。ATF随后逮捕了前多米尼加总理，该机会的核心人物。你以为结束了？没有！下面进入了最精彩的部分：虽然他们计划的关键人物在监狱，虽然他们的计划已经完全暴露，但他们决定继续，入侵多米尼加！

几天后，这群没有首领，也没有了总理的，仅剩九人的小组成员开始登山新奥尔良的船，然后ATF特工出来了，把他们全逮住了。这时，组织终于意识到他们最大的错误：九人组中，有三个人是ATF的特工。

足以平定一个70,000人口国家的武器

三、屌丝想用假文件拥有法国

1812年，前步枪手和立体的法国仔Claude Francois de Malet 产生了一个美妙的想法。他想推翻拿破仑政府。他在军队里的零支持率？当他开始这个计划时，他住在疗养院？……没关系！这些都不重要！有几个贵族支持他，这些人想要国王掌权，他有很多同谋者梦寐的特质：够傻够天真。

很多时候，历史就是精神病人之间的冲突

当时拿破仑在俄国作战，Malet逃离了救护所，偷了一位将军的制服（他很高兴的穿上了），然后伪造了几个看起来官方的文件，来实行他无畏的计划。计划？就是告诉所有人，拿破仑死了，现在他掌权了。

那么，Malet 将军第一个接触的人，是法国国民卫队的上校。当看到Malet的文件，上校已经100%相信将军说的都是真的。他之前从没有见过这个人，或者这些文件是在命令逮捕拿破仑的亲信？这些重要吗，都不重要！重要的是，这些文件也把这个上校变成了将军。你已经不得不赞赏Malet了，他很顺利。

好诱人的顺畅

所以这个新将军把军队交给假将军，而假将军带着部队去了La force 监狱，让他们释放一些他的旧友。没人眼瞎，但是也许是因为Malet当面枪击反对者。

耶，这也许是为啥Malet当他想要尝试接管整个巴黎时，他犯了一个大错：他让人好好看看这些伪造的文件。Jean Doucet上校是不会因为肩上多了一颗星就可以被收服的——而且，他知道一个事实，拿破仑在Malet说的死亡日期之后，又写了一封信。更不用说，他实际知道完全知道这个假将军来自之前的暴乱中，并且知道这个家伙在疗养院中呆了很多时间。

基本上，这就像你的老板病了，而一个被解雇的低级职员跳出来说，声称他现在负责了。来想想吧，这出暴乱就像The Office中的情节。当然，区别是，办公室剧组的成员没有像Claude de Malet和他的跟随者那样被逮捕，审判，处决。

很难分清，到底是该屌丝，还是办公室的那群演员表现的更好

二、叛乱者把他们的总理关在战船上，然后，然后，船沉了。

下面的故事可以被称为曼哈顿叛乱，但不要担心，不是关于占领华尔街的——曼哈顿是美国为表友好而送给泰国的一艘船。但是，在交接典礼上，来自泰国皇家海军的下级军官觉得他们的首相Plaek Phibunsongkhram应该下台，所以绑架了他，并把他锁在Plaek Phibunsongkhram战舰上。

这非常难，因为他有全泰国最好的胃

到目前为止，这是很成功的叛乱。首相成了皇家海军的人质，被关在一艘船上。不幸的是，水兵们却没有下一步的计划。他们希望其他海军军官们立刻过来支援他们。但没有。他们也希望首相的支持者过来跟他们谈谈，看看怎么挽救首相的生命。当然，这个也没有实现。

说实话，我们更关心这艘新船

实际上，在六小时的绑架中，陆军集结了，并伙同警察们攻击了这艘叛乱船——我勒个去！就是关首相的那个船。他们肯定没想到。

而且，不仅仅向船首开几枪那么简单——他们把首相都轰出这艘船。他们非常努力地炸这个船，直接把它搞沉了。让人惊奇的是，生还者中居然有Phibunsongkhram 本人，实际上，他是活着游到海岸，而且没有受一点伤，但他的陆军几乎要弄死他了。考虑到当时海军的行径，陆军看起来是完全忠诚的。

另外，他们有大象啊

没了人质，这个紧密的计划或他们的高贵，这些军官被迫放弃了。然后，海军被解散了，你懂得，以防他们想着他们曾经为了这个国家做了这么大的贡献。

一、希特勒想要战领一个啤酒馆

对于所有将要成为叛乱者的人，这个例子告诉你，你和成功者的区别就是：毅力。\(^o^)/~，不要介意，这是希特勒的故事。

哦，我的古德温！

在希特勒成为邪恶化身之前，他只不过是个有点暴力倾向的愤怒青年。在1923.11.8，魏玛共和国在一个啤酒管举行了一场辩论，这是他们在德国经常干的。年轻的希特勒认识到这是暴动的机会。现在，当你听到啤酒馆，不要把它想象成破旧的下等酒馆，有巴伐利亚队列舞蹈或者骑着机械牛或其它。这是个坐着3000人的酒馆，里面是听领导人Gustav Ritter von Kahr 发言的酒徒，随后，希特勒和他差不多二十个德国工人党的朋友冲进屋子。他们的计划？绑架这三个领导人，把枪抵在他们的头上，直到他们参与其中。

没有这个家伙，国家社会主义无法前进

希特勒有两张牌，一把机枪，及六百名冲锋队队员。所以，你可以把它们理解601张牌。机枪在门口，他的暴徒包围在建筑物旁边。阿道夫调到一张桌子上，往空中开了一枪，开始激情：

“国家革命已经爆发了！这个大厅被600个男人（木有女人吗？）包围了。所有人不许走。巴伐利亚政府和柏林政府被推翻了。新政府立刻就建立。国防军兵营和警察局已经被占领。他们已经站在纳粹党这边。”

希特勒看起来总是始终如一

当然，如果所有这一起都是真的话，这将是一个战斗檄文——但是，军队总部的兵营没有被他的人占领。也许，该文唯一说的真实就是，所有人都不能离开，当然是看在机关枪的面子上。。三人执政团被带到另一间屋子里，然后希特勒和他们玩枪挑舞蹈的游戏。而且要求他们参与到新政府里。令他心碎的是，这三人都拒绝了。

这是计划失败的开始：这些暴徒真心，真心相信这个国家的统治者会勉强同意，并且交出奥迪车的钥匙。但是他们却没有，希特勒重新召集了成员们，做出了他做得最好的事情——发表了一篇吹牛文——然后，他幻想，这些听众爱上他了，然后，纳粹的时代开始了！耶！

不完全是。想到了他已经赢得了国家，他飘飘然了，但却没人知道接下来该怎么办。第二天，有人喊了：“我们行走去”！，约2000纳粹分子刚刚在慕尼黑的街头集结，他们满心欢喜地期待军队和警察会加入他们。

好梦没有发生，这些行走者遭到枪击和逮捕。希特勒，在这时重新集结了他的暴徒们，跑到事先准备好的车，离开陪伴他的众人。这次行动中有十六人死去。不久，他也被抓了，并以叛国罪而扔进了监狱。

在一个完美的世界，最后我们听到的关于希特勒的故事，就是，他是一个玩笑，他领导了一场暴乱，当镇压到来，他就跑了。然后，就是，你已经知道后来的事情了。

【原文】

The 5 Saddest Attempts to Take Over a Country

We tend to want to root for the underdog in our society. When we hear about a rebellion in Egypt or Libya or elsewhere, we instinctively want to root for the scrappy kids trying to fight back against The Man.

The problem is that a lot of coup attempts aren't all that inspirational. Some, in fact, border on slapstick comedy.

Like the time ...

5. The Oufkir Coup Tried to Ram the President's Plane in Midair

The thing about being an evil dictator is that you need evil henchmen to help out. And the thing about having evil henchmen is that eventually they say, "Wait a second, why aren't I the one in charge?" The only good thing about that scenario is that sometimes, hilarity ensues.

For instance, the henchman in our story was Mohamed Oufkir, who, in the 1960s, was the adviser and right-hand man of King Hassan II of Morocco. He was doing dirty work for his king, and we're not talking about gardening. He violently suppressed protests, spied on his own people and had so many people disappear that French courts eventually tried him for murder. Mohamed Oufkir was the crony that supervillains dreamed of. Until, as you can guess, his ambition got the best of him.

In the early '70s, Oufkir got tired of being the second banana to the king and decided to have a good old-fashioned "nondemocratic change of power," complete with the backing of the Moroccan military.

In 1972, King Hassan went to a conference in France. Smelling a chance for a coup, Oufkir put his well-hatched plans in motion. When King H. was on his way back to the country, Oufkir sent not one, not two, but three fighter jets out to attack the king's plane as it flew over the Mediterranean. How hard could this be -- they had the element of surprise, and it was three fighter jets to the king's one unarmed, sitting duck 727.

What Oufkir didn't realize was that his pilots were none other than the Three Stooges. The planes were shooting at the royal jet when the pilots discovered they only had practice ammunition on board. They did as much damage as a pistol loaded with paper clips. That was when one of them had the brilliant idea to just ram the king's jet midair.

So the king himself got on the radio and, in his own voice, told the jet pilots to stop firing because the "tyrant" had been killed. Happy that this guy (who coincidentally sounded exactly like the person they were trying to assassinate) told them that the king was dead, the pilots returned home. Mission accomplished!

By the time they realized what had happened, the king was already landing in the capital of Rabat. King Hassan II immediately ordered the arrest of hundreds of disloyal officers and was ready to get his one-time buddy Oufkir. But Oufkir by this time had committed "suicide." King Hassan, unfazed, then continued to rule the country until his death by heart attack in 1999.

#4. Nine White Supremacists Tried to Take Over a Country

Have you ever wondered what would happen if preschoolers thought they could take over a country? Us, too. Fortunately, Operation Red Dog painted a pretty vivid picture of how that would work out -- only instead of imagining grape-juice-stained 4-year-olds storming the beach in red wagons and Big Wheels, picture white supremacists. Give them mullets and cutoff jean shorts, what do we care?

The story starts in 1979, when racist politician David Duke introduced American Klansmen to Canadian neo-Nazis, because above everything else, Duke was a matchmaker. Obviously, their mutual love of hating brown skin meant that the two groups should hook up permanently and get some race wars going. But how? Last we checked, there wasn't much of a market for "Team Hate" merchandise.

The plan that emerged was so obscenely convoluted that you'd think it came from a Bond villain: invade a country and set up a puppet government that would be friendly to their businesses. Because God knows starting a business in Canada or the United States would have been CRAZY.

Their country of choice was Dominica. They had the former prime minister on their side and everything. And as if the motley crew wasn't racist enough, representatives of apartheid-era South Africa offered to provide funding for the escapade as well. By early 1981, the supergroup of invading racists was ready, but "ready" is a pretty subjective term. Enlisting people who didn't actually know anything about covert military operations was probably their first mistake. Buying only one boat was mistake numero dos. Hanging a swastika on their one and only boat as it docked in New Orleans: mistake three。

And that was when things just got comical.

The original hired crew of the S.S. White Power got spooked about the trip for some reason, so a new captain and crew were hired. It took the new captain about five minutes to suspect something was amiss, so he immediately tipped off the ATF about the Getalong Gang. The ATF then arrested the former Dominican prime minister, the one the whole plan revolved around. Wait, here's the best part: With the key person to their scheme in jail and their plans completely exposed, the team decided to go ahead and invade Dominica anyway.

A few days later, captainless and prime ministerless, the nine remaining team members began loading up the boat in New Orleans, when the ATF came up and arrested them all. The group then learned of their biggest failure: Of the nine people ready to invade, three of them were undercover ATF agents. The media quickly called the fiasco the "Bayou of Pigs," and all conspirators got three years of jail for never getting anywhere close to overturning a country.

A few days later, captainless and prime ministerless, the nine remaining team members began loading up the boat in New Orleans, when the ATF came up and arrested them all. The group then learned of their biggest failure: Of the nine people ready to invade, three of them were undercover ATF agents. The media quickly called the fiasco the "Bayou of Pigs," and all conspirators got three years of jail for never getting anywhere close to overturning a country.

3. A Guy Tried to Take Over France With Some Forged Documents

n 1812, former musketeer and all-around French guy Claude Francois de Malet had a great idea: He was going to topple Napoleon's government.

Never mind that he had zero support from the military, or that he was living in a sanitarium when he came up with the plan ... none of that mattered. He had support from a few royalists who wanted a king on the throne and he had something every conspirator needs: crazy eyes.

While Napoleon Bonaparte was off fighting the Russians, Malet managed to escape the asylum, steal a general's uniform (which he gladly wore) and forge some official-looking documents to back up his audacious plan. The plan? Tell everyone that Napoleon was dead and that he was in charge now.

So, the first person "General" Malet approached was a colonel in the French National Guard. Upon seeing the Kinkos-fresh docs, the colonel was 100 percent convinced that everything the general said was true. Did it matter that he had never seen this man before, or that the documents were ordering the arrest of several of Napoleon's officials? Non. And it didn't hurt that the papers also turned this particular colonel into a general. You've got to hand it to Malet, he was pretty smooth

So the new general released troops to the fake general, and the fake general marched everyone over to La Force prison to order the release of some of his old cronies. No one blinked an eye, but maybe that's because this was the part where Malet started shooting dissenters in the face. Yeah, that's probably why Malet was only a few master strokes away from taking over the entire Parisian military when he made a huge mistake: He actually let someone get a closer look at those fake papers. Colonel Jean Doucet wasn't a guy who could be easily placated with a new star for his jacket -- and he knew for a fact that Napoleon had written letters after the death date provided by Malet. Not to mention that he totally recognized the fake general from a previous insurrection and knew that the guy had put in some time at an insane asylum.
Basically, it'd be like if your boss called in sick to work and that temp who was fired for low-hanging jeans showed up, claiming he was totally in charge now. Come to think of it, this whole insurrection played out like an episode of The Office at one point. Except cast members of The Office weren't arrested, tried and executed like Claude de Malet and his collaborators were.

#2. Rebels Imprisoned Their Prime Minister on a Warship ... and Then It Sank

This next one became known as the Manhattan Rebellion, but don't worry, it's not about Occupy Wall Street -- Manhattan was the name of a boat that the United States gave to Thailand as an act of goodwill. During the ceremony for the transfer, however, junior officers from the Thai Royal Navy decided the prime minister Plaek Phibunsongkhram had to go, so they kidnapped him and locked him up on the warship Sri Ayutthaya.

So that's a pretty successful coup so far. The prime minister is the hostage of the royal navy and he's confined to a boat. Unfortunately, the navy didn't really have a plan beyond that point. They were kind of hoping that naval officers who weren't in on the plan would immediately rush to their aid. They didn't. They also assumed that the prime minister's own backers would want to negotiate to save the prime minister's life. They absolutely didn't.

Instead, within six hours of the kidnapping, the army teamed up with the police and launched their own attack on the rebels' boat -- the same one Phibunsongkhram was being held on. Holy shit! They couldn't have been expecting that.
And this wasn't exactly firing some shots across their bow -- they bombed the shit out of that boat. They bombed it so hard that it sank. Amazingly, one of the few survivors was Phibunsongkhram himself, who actually swam back to shore completely uninjured and not the slightest bit bothered that his own army had just almost killed him. Considering what the navy had done to him that day, the army looked completely loyal in comparison.

Without a hostage, a cohesive plan or their dignity, the navy conspirators were forced to just give up. And then the navy itself was completely dismantled, you know, just in case they ever thought they were once useful to the country in any way whatsoever.

Hitler Tried to Take Over a Beer Hall

For all you would-be rebels out there, here's a coup that proves that the only thing standing between you and success is willpower. Oh, wait. Never mind. This is a Hitler story.

Before Hitler became the embodiment of evil, he was just an angry guy with a mob. So on November 8, 1923, the leadership of the Weimar Republic was hosting a debate at a beer hall, because that's how they do in Germany. Young Hitler knew this was the time to strike.
Now, when you hear "beer hall," don't picture some little rinky-dink honky-tonk with Bavarians line dancing or riding mechanical bulls or whatever. This particular bar sat 3,000 people, and the place was brimming with drinkers listening to one of the leaders, Gustav Ritter von Kahr, speech it up ... until Hitler and about 20 of his friends in the German Workers Party burst in the door. Their "plan"? To kidnap the three leaders and hold a gun to their heads until they joined their cause.

Hitler had two things on his side -- a machine gun and 600 stormtroopers. So, maybe that's 601 things. The machine gun was position at the door and his mob surrounded the building. Adolf jumped on a chair, shot a bullet in the air and screeched the following:

"The national revolution has broken out! The hall is filled with 600 men. Nobody is allowed to leave. The Bavarian government and the government at Berlin are deposed. A new government will be formed at once. The barracks of the Reichswehr and those of the police are occupied. Both have rallied to the swastika."

That would have been a striking statement if any of it had been true -- for instance, the barracks at the military headquarters were not occupied by his men. Pretty much the only thing that was true about the future Fuhrer's statement was the part about nobody being able to leave, on account of the machine gun. All three members of the ruling triumvirate were forced into another room and made to dance while Hitler shot their feet. And also asked to join his new government. To his complete shock, all three refused.
And that was the first failing of the plans: The Putsch Pals really, really believed the country's rulers would just acquiesce and hand over the keys to the national Audi. When they didn't, Hitler rejoined the crowd and did the one thing he did best -- made a bombastic speech -- and the audience loved him. Boom! The Nazi era begins!

Not quite. Thinking he'd won the country, Hitler takes off, and nobody knows what to do next. The next day somebody shouts, "We march!" and 2,000 Nazis just start kind of ambling through the streets of Munich, vaguely hoping the army and police would join them.
Only instead of inspiring millions, these marchers just got shot at and arrested. Hitler, who had rejoined his coup by this point, rode away from the march in a waiting car, leaving his followers to fend for themselves, where 16 of them died. He would later get arrested and sent to prison for treason.

In a perfect world, the last we would have heard of Adolf Hitler was that he was the joker who started a rebellion and then ran away crying when the guns came out. As it is, well, you know the rest.

山中小草

已阅。早日潜入深水。

海连天下天连

看了，但是我没什么感觉