【新闻周刊 20140104】有可能伤害到孩子的一句话：做得好

满仓

【中文标题】有可能伤害到孩子的一句话：做得好
【原文标题】Two Words That Could Hurt Your Kids: Nice Job
【登载媒体】新闻周刊
【原文作者】Chris Weller
【原文链接】http://www.newsweek.com/two-words-could-hurt-your-kids-nice-job-225389


过分表扬孩子会伤害到他们的自尊和志向。



在职业体育竞技中，最有争议的话题就是药物和脑震荡。但是在青少年体育运动中，最具有煽动性的一个词就是“参与奖”，也就是颁给那些仅仅出现在现场，无论比赛表现如何的孩子们的奖励。

相信“想法才是最重要的”这句话的父母或许都会告诉他们的孩子：“输赢不重要，只要你认真参与。”胜利并不说明一切，只要你能尽力，在我心中你永远是最棒的。

当然还有另外一种父母，他们冲教练高喊：“你TMD赶紧让最出色的5个孩子上场。”在他们看来，“这不过是一个游戏”这句话是失败者的口头禅。

问题的核心是一个简单的选择：很多父母想让他们的孩子在没有失败感的环境中长大，听到的只有正面鼓励，即使他们做出的是惨不忍睹的手工作品。他们担心，承认孩子的平庸会影响孩子的一生。

但是，荷兰乌得勒支大学和俄亥俄州立大学从事的一项研究表明，这样的做法会产生副作用。他们还认为，父母经常把一些过分的夸奖给到那些容易收到伤害的孩子。乌得勒支大学博士生候选人、研究机构的负责人Eddie Brummelman说：“如果你对一个自尊心比较弱的孩子说你做的太棒了，他们会觉得只要做到这样就好了。因而会担心更高的标准，回避新的挑战。”

Brummelman和他的团队设计的三项试验。第一项试验发现，自尊心比较弱的孩子通常比自尊心比较强的孩子多得到一倍的过分夸奖。所谓过分夸奖，就是“做得好”和“简直不敢相信你能做得这么好”的区别。这些副词把一个小小的成就变成了一种期望，可以压垮一个不那么自信的孩子。

第二项研究借助了父母的帮助。孩子们先完成12道题目的计时数学测验，然后让父母打分。Brummelman和他的同事仔细观察父母给予评价的方式，包括过分夸奖——比如“你太了不起了”、“真不敢相信”——和相对简单的评价——比如“不错”、“还好”。把孩子们的分数和前期对自尊心的评测结果结合在一起，研究团队发现自尊心比较弱的孩子得到了更多的过分夸奖。

先别忙着批判那些善良的父母。俄亥俄大学心理交流教授Brad Bushman说，父母们的逻辑无可挑剔：那些对自己的能力不自信的孩子对于糟糕的成绩肯定会有比较强烈的负面反应，所以思绪敏锐的父母就用一些支持性的语言来扭转他们的情绪，就这么简单，对吗？

Bushman说：“父母们似乎认为，自尊心比较弱的孩子需要额外的表扬来提升自己的心态，因此完全可以理解大人会主动给予他们这些表扬。但是我们在另外一项试验中发现，这些过分的表扬会产生事与愿违的结果。”好吧，问题没那么简单。

第三项试验是对第二项试验的进一步延伸。孩子们被要求临摹梵高的名画《野玫瑰》（尽每个人的最大能力），还告诉他们说会有一个专业的画家来评判他们的作品。画家随后对每一份作品给出过分夸奖、常规夸奖或者没有任何夸奖的评论。然后让孩子们再画一幅画，这一次，他们可以选择临摹相对简单的画作，或者一幅更难的作品。

让那些以“参与奖”为荣的父母们沮丧的是，自尊心比较弱的孩子大多选择了简单的画作，他们宁愿回避挑战。自尊心比较强的孩子在得到了过分的夸奖之后，都会选择更难的画作。

这让父母无所适从。Bushman说：“过分夸奖让自尊心弱的孩子回避挑战，但可以让自尊心强的孩子迎接挑战。”因此，孩子自尊心比较弱的父母或许应该考虑，在评价孩子表现的时候，不要做得那么激情四射。短期内保护孩子的情绪，或许在长远来看只会让孩子复制失败，而不是去战胜挫折。

Bushman说：“这套理论与大多数人的想法相反。但是，对于一个没有太多自信的孩子来说，过分的夸奖的确不是一件好事。”



原文：

Overpraising children can kill their self-esteem, and their ambition.

The most controversial topics in professional sports may be doping and concussions, but in youth sports, no two words are more inflammatory than “participation trophy,” those “awards” given to kids just for showing up, regardless of how well they played.

Parents who believe “it’s the thought that counts” are often the ones who tell their kids “it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” Winning isn’t everything. At least you tried your best. You’re always a winner in my book.

Then there are the other parents – the ones screaming at the coach to “just put the best five kids on the court, damn it!” For them, “it’s only a game” is for losers.

At the heart of this controversy is a simple choice: Many parents want their children to grow up blind to failure, hearing only positive reinforcement, even for misshapen art projects. They fear that acknowledging any mediocrity could emotionally scar a child for life.

But a new trio of studies from Utrecht University in the Netherlands and Ohio State University suggest that this strategy can backfire. They also suggest that parents often dole out inflated praise to the children most likely to be hurt by it. “If you tell a child with low self-esteem that they did incredibly well, they may think they always need to do incredibly well,” Eddie Brummelman, lead author of the studies and a doctoral candidate at Utrecht University’s department of psychology, said in a statement. “They may worry about meeting those high standards and decide not to take on any new challenges.”

Brummelman and his fellow researchers devised three experiments. The first found that children with low self-esteem typically receive twice as much inflated praise as children with high self-esteem. Inflated praise is the difference between “Job well done!” and “You did an incredibly good job!” That adverb, that small boost, can turn a minor success into an expectation that ends up crushing a kid who doesn’t believe in himself.

The second study enlisted the help of parents. The children completed 12 timed math exercises, which their parents then scored. Brummelman and his colleagues watched for any instance in which the parents administered inflated praise – a “You’re so incredible!” or a “Fantastic!” – or opted for a simple, “Good job” or “Nice work.” Correlating the kids’ scores with earlier assessments of self-esteem, the team found that children with lower self-esteem received more inflated praise.

Don’t start slagging supportive parents, though. Co-researcher Brad Bushman, a professor of communication and psychology at Ohio State, says their logic is impeccable: Kids who feel bad about their abilities tend to have very negative responses to poor performance, so the observant parent intervenes with a few supportive words. Problem solved, right?

“Parents seemed to think that the children with low self-esteem needed to get extra praise to make them feel better,” said Bushman. “It’s understandable why adults would do that, but we found in another experiment that this inflated praise can backfire in these children.” Okay, problem not solved.

The team’s third study took the praise administered in the second study and extended it to future performance. Children were asked to recreate van Gogh’s Wild Roses (to the best of their ability) and were told the final drawing would be critiqued by a professional painter. The critic either gave the children inflated praise, noninflated praise, or no praise at all. Then they did a second drawing. This time they had a choice: Would they rather copy an easy drawing or take on a more difficult piece?

To the chagrin of participation-trophy-pushing parents in the group, the children with lower self-esteems chose the undemanding piece. They took the safe route. The high self-esteem kids were actually more likely to seek out the challenge after receiving inflated praise.

This makes for a difficult call as a parent. “Inflated praise causes children with low self-esteem to avoid challenges but causes children with high self-esteem to seek out challenges,” Bushman explained, adding that parents whose kids have low self-esteem may do well to consider a less billowy approach when evaluating a child’s performance. Protecting feelings in the short-term may only makes a kid better at coping with failure, not overcoming it, in the long-term.

“It goes against what many people may believe would be most helpful,” Bushman said. “But it really isn’t helpful to give inflated praise to children who already feel bad about themselves.”

大智发于心

教育孩子还真是一门高深的学问，多少孩子毁在不合格的父母手上啊。