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【中文标题】中国4件奇怪的事情没有人会告诉你
【原文标题】The 4 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in China
【登载媒体】CRACKED
【原文作者】Cezary Jan Strusiewicz、Michael Pearce
【原文链接】http://www.cracked.com/article_21051_the-4-strangest-things-nobody-tells-you-about-life-in-china.html
你喜欢宫保鸡丁和成龙，目前中国有越来越多的就业岗位，所以该考虑收拾行囊，跳上飞机，前往真正属于你的国家了。但是这种基于错误信息的草率行动必将导致很多人失败的结局。
在你全身心地投入到功夫电影中之前，请听我一句话：我叫Michael Pearce，是在石家庄生活的教师和作家。我认为，移居到中国将面临很多独特的挑战，这与功夫、熊猫，甚至功夫熊猫都完全无关。
第四，仿造品现象比你想象的要严重很多。
Cracked网站已经介绍过中国那些令人难以置信假货，但是你至少不会把假冒的苹果商店和史前化石蘸上酱油吃到肚子里。（如果你真这么做，那可大错特错了，我猜想质保凭证绝不会包括人体消化这个原因。）
你已经为假冒的劳力士和盗版电影做好了准备，你完全没有防备的是假冒的肉类。去年一起被广泛传播的事件是有人把老鼠肉、狐狸肉和黄鼠狼肉充当羊肉。这绝不是耸人听闻，整个中国的假肉状况已经非常严重，除非我看到肉铺门口挂着动物的尸体，并且经过检查可以入口，否则我决不吃任何肉类。
你……你在开玩笑。
挂在商店外的动物死尸也不能完全说是一种怪异的场景，它们毕竟有存在的目的——提醒外地人“这里的肉是合法的”。另外一个不那么恶心的例子是伪造教科书。作为教师，我经常发现自己给学生们订购的不同名称的书籍内容完全一样。或许造成我难以区分狼和羊的原因不尽然是表里不一的本性，而是长久以来劣质盗版教科书带来的后果。
这还不算什么，想象一下：你从一台ATM机上取款，但不小心多输入一个0，于是你决定把多取出来的钱再存回去。可是机器告诉你，你刚刚放入的现金是假钞。这是中国人经常遇到的现象，他们现在已经对那些能给生活带来便利的机器设备建立了不信任感。
“你个混蛋，等我把枪拿来。”
你走进银行，想把事情搞清楚，但是发现你需要在那里浪费整整一天，因为……
第三：每天的生活无时无刻不在等待。
我从未在一个中国的银行里办事的时间少于一个小时。有一次，我只不过想把一张20英镑的纸币兑换成人民币，所需要的手续包括扫描我的护照、填写6张表格、列举包括儿童时期牧师在内的所有亲属，需要三个人盖章才算完成。这可是一个能在15天里盖成30层楼房的国家呀。通常情况下，中国取得这种伟大的成就往往靠的是一种尖端建筑技术——“敷衍了事”。公平地说，这种建筑物更像是“组装”的，而不是“建造”的，绝不要相信它的安全性。在我看来，中国的基建项目中根本不存在质量管控和维护的部门。住房和城乡建设部副部长仇保兴自己也说，中国的建筑物只能维持25到30年。至于道路，就更加糟糕了。
“碎石也算是铺平的道路，对吗？”
可你还能怎么办？坐火车？祝你一路顺风，勇敢的冒失鬼。如果你想要体验乘坐中国铁路的愉悦感，可以试着在黑色星期五到沃尔玛购物，顺手接过毒贩子递过来的免费样品。
这就是快行线。
数百名愤怒的群众挤在月台入口处的大门外，列车一进站，人们就像决堤般涌入。你发现自己夹在一群暴民中涌向列车，如果没咬到某人的耳朵，这一天就算是幸运的。
第二，白人是时尚的装饰品。
一家空调生产企业曾经让我假扮美国副总统。我根本不是美国人，不过这不重要。我在一间巨大的饭店里，与当地市长和党内重要人物坐在一起，向500名农民和他们的家人发表讲话。这仅仅是因为“我有一张合适的脸”，在中国这相当于“丢个白人在那里，看起来更正规”。
这位是约翰•所有人，美国人的CEO。
一些中国大公司在接待潜在客户来访时，会聘请白人出现在办公室，这样显得比较成功，因为再也没有比养一只白人宠物更奢侈的事情了。中国二三线城市中聘请的白人教师大多没有什么资历，只是因为有个白人面孔出现比较提升档次。我认识一些菲律宾人、亚裔美国人和其他亚洲人，都比白人更加资深，但没有得到这些工作，仅仅是因为他们的面孔犯了一个可怕的错误，无法登上杰西潘尼的购物清单。
白人在中国不会口渴，因为大部分酒吧会免费让你畅饮，这样你可以坐在那里用苍白的面孔提升酒吧的档次。中国对西方人爱得发疯，他们在自己国家整个照搬欧洲和美国的城镇。在我住的这个城市，正在建造至少两个意大利风格的小镇，其中进驻的全是奢侈品牌，而没有人居住。这已经不是新鲜事了，似乎建筑公司认为，让人们幸福地在这里呼吸仅仅是建造这些小镇所带来的令人不快的副作用。
终于，我们看到了古色古香的英国农村风景，还没有那些讨厌的人来煞风景。
第一，政府控制一切，不是开玩笑，一切。
你或许听说过灭绝人性的中国政府逮捕记者，聘请200万人来监控互联网（似乎人们曾经用这种高科技怪兽来隐藏秘密）。还有生育控制问题，你或许听说过中国的独生子女政策，但真正生活在这样的环境中就是另外一回事了。在政府机构中工作的女性每年都要进行一次全面的体检，确保她们没有违反政策，即使她们已经进入绝经期。这或许是为了防范……她们私藏了另一个子宫？
如果你真的怀上一个孩子，还会遇到更疯狂的事情。当我们做第一次孕期监测时，医院的服务处竟然放着一些堕胎诊所的打折卡。如果这样的事情发生在美国，南部保守教派信徒中至少有一半要起义。在我妻子怀孕期间，我们至少到三个政府部门备案，填了无数的表格，然后拿到一本手册，里面写着我们怀了几个孩子。还记得人们曾经把智能手机当作洪水猛兽吗？他们给未出声的婴儿编号条形码，就像对待《骇客帝国》中的邪恶机器人。这在中国是家常便饭。
“抱歉，根据扫描结果，你需要在两个月之后才能临产。”
这些都是政府控制的大事情，但并非全部，还有很多小事情也完全被他们所管控，比如你什么时候可以在自己的房间中取暖。中国没有私人的供暖企业，也就是说当北京认为该穿毛衣的时候，你的房子就暖和了，这通常是在11月总巡。但是如果10月份天气变得异常寒冷了该怎么办？忍着吧。试过在床上抱在一起吗？如果没有，那么你显然违法了政府强制要求的“侧入式”姿势。*
*这不是真的……目前还不是。
如果这个冬天实在太冷，可以试试双飞。
他们还会强迫人们多吸烟，就好像是情景喜剧中的父亲试图让孩子认识到同辈压力所带来的危害。湖北省官方曾经命令政府雇员吸更多的香烟，来提振当地的经济。这个方法或许可以同时削减中国老龄人口的数量，这样他们不用强迫更多的年轻人来探望他们的父母。因为中国另一项法律规定，你必须定期探望你的家族长辈。
警官用枪逼着他留在这里。
原文：
You love kung pao chicken and Jackie Chan, and now, with so many jobs supposedly going to China, it's time to pack your bags, hop on a plane, and go live where you truly belong. Surely this hasty adventure based on ill-informed stereotypes will pan out where all those others have failed!
Before you start boning up on kung fu films, however, hear me out: My name is Michael Pearce, and during my career as a teacher and writer living in Shijiazhuang, I've discovered that moving to China has its own unique challenges that in no way involve kung fu, pandas, or kung fu pandas.
#4. The Counterfeit Problem Runs Way Deeper Than You Think
Cracked has written about insane Chinese fakes before, but at least with faux Apple stores and prehistoric fossils, you're not slathering your counterfeits in soy sauce and then putting them inside your body. (And if you are, you're really using that ePad wrong -- there's no way the warranty covers attempted digestion. Or anything else.)
You're prepared for fake Rolexes and bootleg movies. What you're not prepared for is the counterfeit meat. Take this highly publicized case from last year involving rat, fox, and mink being passed off as mutton. It wasn't exactly a freak occurrence. The whole Chinese fake-steak situation has gotten so bad that I now refuse to eat meat unless it's from a place that hangs the animal's carcass outside for me to thoroughly inspect and deem worthy of being devoured.
You. You ... amuse me.
Dead animal bodies hanging outside of shops aren't just exotic set dressing -- they serve a purpose. They're a sign for expats these days, one meaning "This meat is probably legit." A slightly less gruesome example are the counterfeit textbooks. As a teacher, I often find myself ordering a bunch of books for my class and ending up with only two copies that contain the same material. Perhaps the inability to tell fox from sheep was not duplicitous in nature, but just one long-term consequence of shoddy off-brand textbooks.
And that's just the start of the counterfeit problems. Picture this: You're getting money from an ATM, but you accidentally put an extra zero in there. You turn right around and try to deposit the excess back into the same machine, only for it to tell you that the bills you've inserted are counterfeit. This is a pretty common problem for people in China, who are now surely nurturing an inherent distrust of robots that will serve them well in the inevitable uprising.
"You son of a bitch. I'm coming back with a gun."
You can of course go inside the bank and try to straighten the whole mess out, but only if you have the entire day to waste, because ...
#3. Inefficiency Permeates Every Aspect of Daily Life
I have never spent less than an hour in a Chinese bank. One time, just changing a 20-pound note took nearly two hours and involved scans of my passport, six forms, a dispensation from my childhood priest, and three different people with stamps to make it proper. This is from a country that has managed to put up a 30-story hotel in 15 days. Usually when this type of amazing feat is accomplished in China, it's done by utilizing a cutting-edge construction technique known as "half-assing it." To be fair, that particular building was more "assembled" than "built," and there's no reason to suspect it of being more unsafe than anything else. It's just that, from what I've seen, quality control and maintenance are virtually nonexistent in the Chinese infrastructure. Deputy Minister of Construction Qiu Baoxing himself said that Chinese buildings are meant to last 25 to 30 years. And the roads are even worse.
"Gravel counts as paved, right?"
But what are you gonna do? Take the train? Godspeed, noble daredevil. If you want to experience the joy of traveling on Chinese rail, try shopping on Black Friday in the United States. At a Walmart. After the meth guy hands out his free promo samples.
This is the fast pass line.
Just hundreds of angry people pushing against the closed entrance to a platform until the train finally arrives, the human floodgates open, and you find yourself rioting your way to the passenger car. You call it a good day if you don't have to bite somebody's ear off.
#2. White People Are Fashion Accessories
I was once asked to pretend that I was the American vice president of an air-conditioning producer. I am not American, but that didn't matter. I was supposed to go to a huge restaurant where I would be on a stage with the local mayor and other party bigwigs and make a speech to 500 farmers and their families. This only happened because I "had the right face for it," which in China is code for "chuck a whitey in there to look more official."
Presenting President John Everyman, CEO of America.
Some large Chinese companies hire white guys to stand around the office and look successful when a prospective client visits, because nothing shows hedonistic excess like being able to afford a pet white dude. Most of the Caucasian teachers hired for work in lower-tier Chinese cities aren't there for their expertise, but because it looks good to have a white face around. I know Filipinos, African-Americans, and other Asian nationals who are much more qualified than their white counterparts but haven't been offered jobs because their faces made the tragic mistake of not having escaped from a J.C. Penney catalog.
No white person in China will ever go thirsty, because most clubs will straight up give you free booze just so you'll sit around and class up the place with your alluring pastiness. China loves Westerners so much that they're building entire replicas of European and American towns right on their own turf. In my city, there are currently plans for at least two Italian-style towns full of luxury villas, despite the fact that no one will ever live in them. But that's not a new problem in China. It's like the construction companies consider people happily living and breathing within these spaces to be an unpleasant side effect of building them.
Finally, all the pleasures of the quaint English countryside with none of the damned people.
#1. The Government Controls Everything. No, Seriously: Everything
You've probably heard tales about the Orwellian Chinese government arresting journalists, or hiring 2 million people to police the Internet (as though mere humans could ever stuff that particular monster back in the box). Then there's the whole birth control issue. You're probably aware of China's one-child policy, but it's a different matter living with it. Women who work for government departments are subject to an invasive medical exam once a year to make sure they're adhering to the policy, even if they already went through menopause. Just in case they're ... harboring a secret uterus?
It's slightly more insane if you actually do have a child: When we bought our first pregnancy test, there was a discount card for an abortion clinic inside it. Half the Bible Belt would explode if they tried that kind of thing in America. When my wife actually got pregnant, we had to go to about three different government offices to get checked out, fill in a bunch of forms, and then get a little book with the number of our fetus on it. Remember when people were worried that smartphones were the mark of the beast? They're bar-coding the unborn over here like the evil robots from The Matrix, and it's just business as usual.
"I'm sorry, but according to my bar code reader, you're not due for another two months."
Those are the big issues of government control, but they're not the only issues: There's lots of small stuff they want total authority over, too -- like when you get to heat your own house. There are no private utility companies, meaning that the heat gets turned on when Beijing thinks it's sweater weather, not before. The heat season usually starts mid-November, but what if you're dealing with a particularly cold October? Tough beans, buddy. Have you tried snuggling? If not, you're in clear violation of the government-enforced spooning program.*
*Not actually a thing ... yet.
If it's a particularly cold winter, try a threesome!
And then there was the time they forced people to smoke more cigarettes, like a stern sitcom father trying to teach a rebellious teenager the dangers of peer pressure. Officials at the Hubei province once famously ordered government employees to smoke more cigarettes to boost the local economy. Maybe it was also their way of slowly culling the number of old folks in China so they wouldn't have to force so many people to visit their elderly parents? Because that's another real law China has on the books: Official legislation forces you to visit your elderly relatives. We're basically talking government-mandated family game night here.
Not pictured: the officers holding him there at gunpoint.
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狗仔卡
发表于 2014-4-24 09:17
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发表于 2014-5-31 14:13
